Samuel Decker: “I don’t want to give up before the miracle”

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Being young, beautiful and desired are not guarantees of complete happiness – far from it. This year, the scientific journal Pediatrics published a frightening number: 62.5% of the LGBTQIA+ population have already thought about committing suicide and are six times more likely to take their lives than other communities. In Brazil, a report by the Observatory of Violent Deaths of the LGBTQIA+ population shows that, from January to August 2021, of the 237 deaths registered within the community, 13 were due to suicide – the number is underestimated, as not all cases are even registered. and monitored.

These numbers come to life in familiar faces, sometimes from those who are least expected and who suffer silently. Samuel Decker is one of them. The famous name in porn is actually the alter ego of Deivid Samuel Hodecker, a 23 year old from Santa Catarina, 6’2” tall, 100kg, who decided to talk about life, mental health and those moments that can be decisive – and that sometimes there is no way back.

In an emotional conversation with the column, Sam recalls the depression that nearly took his life, talks about the objectification of bodies in porn and, above all, about the opportunity to be well, alive and about his desire to raise the flag of mental health, inside and outside the community.

- BKDR -

On the scale of the national porn market, what do you think that counts the most? Beauty, stage performance or physical attributes?

I think it’s a little bit of the three. About beauty, I’m still learning about my own. I’ve always had self-esteem issues and an inferiority complex. I didn’t always think I was pretty. Now that I have learned to love myself for who I am. Beauty is a factor, perhaps one of the most important, but it has to be conciliate with performance. It’s useless being one more pretty face. You can be a good-looking guy, well performing and passive, so a good ass counts too. The objective is to ensure that the audience does not get bored of your scene and always seek to innovate. For the asset, it is obvious that the physical attribute matters more, the size, etc. Not everyone has a big penis, but the audience are horny about it.

Do you think the gay porn industry objectifies the male figure? Lacan said that desire comes from this objectification. You’re okay?

Yes, porn objectifies our bodies and what you should do with it. You have to answer what your audience asks for. And that’s not okay for me. I don’t like to feel like an object and sometimes I realize that the audience doesn’t care how I am. I’m not very sexually active, I don’t go around getting laid all the time. I even think I don’t suit the job. Many people don’t mind being objectified. It’s part of the job, I know, I understand that, but it’s something I’m not comfortable with. I’m a very sentimental guy. People think that I do porn, that I live for sex all the time, but it’s just the opposite: I don’t like sending nudes, talking about sex around, having sex with some anyone, without connection. I’m not like this. I am opposite of what the porn industry asks for.

Still in Lacan’s idea, love is the post of objectification. When we work with our bodies, is there room for relationships inside and outside the industry? How is love in porn times?

I just dated once and I realized that it’s a little harder to have a relationship when working in porn. Here comes the objectification – many gays have a fetish in you, horny, but they won’t date you because you do porn. There is prejudice in that. If I found a boyfriend, and it was worth it, I would quit porn for him. It’s a very personal and very complex thing too. There are people who find a boyfriend in the industry and do porn together. And that’s okay. People think that because you’ve done porn you’re worthless – and it’s weird, because people who do porn do what everyone else does: sex. The difference is that we charge and show off.

Speaking of which, how is your heart?

I had a relationship that wasn’t very good. I was traumatized by feeling in love. I’m without crush, I’m single. I don’t feel like dating at the moment, but I might fall in love, after all, no one commands love. I haven’t been open to meeting anyone, I feel like I’m not ready. I want to have children, get married, but at the moment I have no expectations about it. I don’t want it now. There are people who come to talk to me, ask me out, but I’m closed about that. Lately I’ve just been to São Paulo to record some content for my Onlyfans and that’s it. It’s just that, maybe a friendship, but nothing more.

You talk openly about mental health on your social media. What message is behind your posts?

I had a really bad depression in 2019. When ‘Yellow September’ arrives, everyone is sensitive, available, engaged in a beautiful and wonderful campaign. That year, I got sick exactly in the month of September. These same committed people told me that it was drama, that I should stop posting the things I used to pass on the internet, because I had low energy. The truth is that the greatest help comes from those who have been through depression. When you experience depression, you are never the same person again. I’m not the same person anymore! I like to talk about it because I’m very transparent. My world is not Narnia, I don’t live in a fairy tale. I post when I’m fine and post when I’m sad. There are people who stop following me because of that. And that’s fine. I live for myself, not for others.

Why should we talk more about mental health?

Because all the time somebody is killing themselves out there and all the time somebody is bad. We need to talk about mental health for this very reason, to show that these people are not alone. And I wish someone had talked to me at the time I got sick.

Suicide is still taboo in our society, and yet you shared the other day that you tried to end your life. I don’t want to cross a line here, but how to talk about suicide being responsible and sensitive at the same time?

I will tell this story. My relationship started like a bed of roses and with honey phrases. It cooled down over time and I didn’t understand why. He started to get weird with me and I didn’t understand, after all it was my first date. The anxiety attacks came because I didn’t let go of what I felt. These crises turned to panic. I started crying for hours. My boyfriend said it was drama and left me alone in his room and went to play League of Legends with his friends. He spent more time on the computer than with me. On weekends, he said he wanted to stay at home, but went out with friends. I started not wanting to eat anymore, I lost the desire to workout, to take care of myself. I ran into my courtship while he was standing still. He said that I should love myself more, not create expectations, and those phrases only made my fear grow. I got addicted to tranquilizers, slept for days, and hated the feeling of being awake because, awake, I felt bad.

It was like a prison inside these feelings, I imagine…

Yes, exactly. And my then boyfriend didn’t ask to breakup and I couldn’t put an end to the story. Then the psychological games started. Families then came together to help. I once turned off my cell phone for a week and it didn’t even text me. Because of this whole situation, I was fired from work. I managed to put an end to it and he said he just wasn’t broke up yet out of pity. I already felt that he didn’t love me anymore, but his behavior made me sick. Two weeks later I found out he was having an affair with my doctor, a month later he was dating another guy. In the end, I found that I wasn’t in love with him, but with his family, who were more open than mine.

What makes you being here today talking to us?

It’s an interesting way for people to get to know me more and realize that I’m not just a pretty face, or a guy who does porn and that’s it. I like to chat. I’m reinventing myself. I’m not the same person I was before the depression. I tried to take my life, in the midst of a very strong borderline crisis and panic disorder. I felt like crap and tried to take my life. They managed to save me. I only felt good again at the end of the year 2020. So, being here today talking openly about this is a way to help other people. They don’t need to be alone.

Why porn?

In 2018, I agreed to date a guy for money. He worked in HR at a company and got me a job. I started making programs to get an extra. My family found out and didn’t judge me. I stopped making programs. In early 2021, I had a heart attack, lost my memory and was hung up by the INSS. I couldn’t work, so I thought about creating a profile on Onlyfans. The idea of porn came from there. I even got in touch with the producer (Meninos Online) and they agreed right away. I was praised a lot by them, they couldn’t believe it was the first time I filmed. The fact is that I had already worked as a cameraman, so I already understood about angles and this universe of production. I forget I’m being recorded. The horny in the scene is very real. After that first job, things started to happen very quickly and the repercussions were very positive.

What are your plans in the industry? Thinking about going to abroad?

My plans are not long term. I won’t do porn for the rest of my life. I got other plans. I’ve already started three colleges and stopped. I think a lot about going abroad, if only to record too. I think I have chances there. I want to plan everything right, have my head on straight. It’s no use going without being well instructed. I don’t know what lies ahead, my family knows my story and is calm about it. The truth is, I make more money now than when I worked with a formal contract

Your scenes are bareback. Do you think porn actors need to raise the banner of protection more, whatever that may be?

I always question if actors use PreP. They all says yes. It’s kind of an automatic response, but a lot of people are still prejudiced about it, about raising that flag. Actors should talk more about. I take care of my sexual health. HIV is a reality and we need to talk about it.

Who did you most enjoy filming with?

Rico Marlon was very kind to me, passed my contact on to other guys, gave me a little more knowledge. Blessed Boy was an angel too. It wasn’t just recording, there was dialogue, conversation, today we have a friendship. I would choose these two. But it’s good to remember that I haven’t recorded with many people yet. I’m sure there are a lot of nice actors and professionals like them out there.

I wanted you to leave a snippet of your favorite Sia song (I saw you like her a lot), that song that touches and speaks to you.

‘It’s hard for me to feel big when I feel small. I don’t want to give up before the miracle.’ This part helped me a lot. Deep down, I didn’t want to give up, I still want to live many things. This song is called ‘Miracle’. She has selfhelp lyrics that talk to me a lot. My love for her is infinite.

So much so that it’s tattooed on your skin…

Exactly. I got a tattoo in honor of Sia and every day I look at her and remember that I can’t give up, that I’ll keep trying, one day at a time. Life is an eternal struggle. Today I am fine, I no longer take medication for depression. The future Samuel will have finished college, will have lost the fear of driving (I’ve had car panic since I was little), be a little better known, not exactly in porn, but to use my voice against depression, against borderline, against the suicide. It’s not easy to live with that and I want to be there for people who go through at the same thing that I did.

Twitter: @SamuelDecker_
Onlyfans: @sam_decker
Instagram: @samuelhodecker

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